As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party