$3 #books
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.