“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED