All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
had to share :’)
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.