You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.