THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD š
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My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
They say white people donāt have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and thereās no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? š¦
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The kids are upset weāre having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy weāre having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
iām a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but thatās only if youāre doing it right
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, youād think heād be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*lands on other planet*
āTake me to your pain medicationā
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So youāll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: Weāre not allowed to say āpee.ā
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ātinkle.ā
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
woman in car on news: āIāve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrolā hm okay
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & āweād love for you to resubscribeā letters every month.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Somebodyās car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: Canāt you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No maāam, your phone actually needs the passcode.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Them: omg, I havenāt seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38