My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
my lower back watching me try to live my life