It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.