The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms