why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
😲 WTF? 😆
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
i meant to share this earlier
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.