If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.