I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
So sick of all these stupid rules
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.