Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast