boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Mission: Impossible
set yourself free xox
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Coffee for people with no kids