Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.