I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.