Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’m not proud
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’d hang this in my house.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god