A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
drew a comic about my origin story
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME