My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
This is the one
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”