9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful