Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
You Might Also Like
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”