body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
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I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
the pigeons are already plenty salty
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.