A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.