when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You Might Also Like
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
That’s easy for you to say
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I feel seen.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house