[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.