i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer