Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.