Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
🤣
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.