me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?