I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.