Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
You Might Also Like
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*