Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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He died doing what he loved: being alive
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
man: wait
time: no
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.