911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.