lmfao
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.