(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
💯😂
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.