The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards