if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
got so much cardio in today
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now