*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
You Might Also Like
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.