You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Sheep
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.