I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Room with a view.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.