[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The old gods are rising again.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[at the general store]
me: one general please
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch