[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.