Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.