Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
May never get over this
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues