Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude