Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
This headline is a thing of beauty
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written