Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.