The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.