Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success