Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
it is time once again
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?